


The Diary of Angelus the Great

by St_Salieri



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-03-16
Updated: 2009-03-16
Packaged: 2017-11-25 06:50:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/636250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/St_Salieri/pseuds/St_Salieri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Angelus is the biggest drama queen in the history of the universe. Scientific proof exists herein.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Diary of Angelus the Great

**Author's Note:**

> The following was uncovered from a vault during the excavation of Sunnydale, California. Due to its location, it is thought that the vault was once part of the abandoned factory complex, although little can be known for certain. Most of the manuscript had been destroyed, although a few pages remain intact.

 

**PRIVATE! KEEP OUT! THIS MEANS YOU!!**

 

**Thursday, 1/22/98**

 

>   
> 2:40 pm
> 
> My nuts still hurt. Of course a Slayer would pick the girliest way to fight. I'll show her.

 

**Monday, 1/26/98**

 

>   
> 5:38 pm
> 
> Forgot how annoying Dru can be when she's talking, which is all of the time.

 

**Thursday, 1/29/98**

 

>   
> 2:05 am
> 
> Killed one of Buffy's classmates tonight, then turned her. It was pretty great. I love the cute ones. She fell for the innocent flower and concerned looks and everything. Girls are so stupid. I ended up leaving the body when a werewolf came running up, but it's not like I was scared of it. I could take one on any day. It's just that this is a new silk shirt and I don't want to ruin it over one crummy werewolf.
> 
> Okay, I have this great plan. I'll start turning all of the students, one by one, and hide them away. (There's plenty of room for them in the factory, especially if I dump Dru's doll collection in the storage closet. Kill two birds with one stone, I always say. That leaves you more stones for killing other birds.) Anyway, then I can sic the newbies on Buffy whenever I feel like it. It'll be all, "Hi, Buffy! No, you're right, you haven't seen me at school lately. That's because I'm DEAD and it's all your fault! By the way, Angel says 'hi'." Then they'll fight. Buffy will probably win, but she'll totally cry.
> 
> Oh man, I can't wait. Spike's mocking my plan, but that's because he's not an artist like I am. Tomorrow night I'll break into the funeral home and steal this girl's body before she rises. She'll be the start of my greatest masterpiece!

 

**Friday, 1/30/98**

 

>   
> 3:50 am
> 
> Well, that didn't work.

 

**Friday, 2/6/98**

 

>   
> 3:43 am
> 
> Sorry, haven't written in a while. It's been murder trying to get this place in order - and I mean that literally. Seriously, this place is such pigsty. Trust Spike to live in squalor like this. Why, without me around I bet he wouldn't even bother to brush the cobwebs away. He has no taste whatsoever for the finer things. I had to rip the heads off a few minions before the rest of them caught a clue and started cleaning properly.
> 
> Still haven't decided what to do with Buffy yet, but I'll think of something good. I always do.

 

**Saturday, 2/14/98**

 

>   
> 12:00 am
> 
> Finally! It's officially Valentine's Day. I've been waiting for this day for so long.
> 
>  
> 
> 1:12 am
> 
> Went shopping earlier for the perfect box for Buffy's flowers. It had to be black but not _too_ black, with just the right amount of gloss. I had to kill three flower-shop clerks before I found the perfect one, which is a huge waste of time and energy. Doesn't anyone appreciate customer service any more? The modern world has gone completely downhill.
> 
> Even so, the bow was all wrong - maybe because I'd broken three of the clerk's fingers. I had to redo it myself to get it right - I _know_ , story of my unlife! - and it took about an hour to get it perfect. I think Spike was laughing at me, which proves that he has no clue when it comes to the art of terror. We'll see if he's laughing tomorrow.
> 
>  
> 
> 3:26 pm
> 
> Finished painting Spike's wheelchair pink. Can't wait to see his face when he wakes up. Considering sending a minion to pick up a disposable camera.
> 
>  
> 
> 10:40 pm
> 
> Went to Buffy's to deliver the flowers. Tried to see her face when she got them, but her mom was standing in the way. God, that pissed me off. Ate a pedestrian on the way home. Feeling better now.

 

**Saturday, 2/21/98**

 

>   
> 10:55 am
> 
> So bored. Can't sleep. Smacked Spike around for a while, but I think he liked it.

 

**Tuesday, 2/24/98**

 

>   
> 9:18 pm
> 
> Went to Willow's. No one was home, so the break-in was very easy. Her room is a lot neater than Buffy's. Thought about messing it up and putting a big "ANGELUS WAS HERE" sign on the wall, but then I saw the fish.
> 
> Took a while to catch them all. I had to use the little net that was under the table, and they kept swimming away before I could scoop them out. Took about half an hour to collect them, and one of them bit me. Stupid fish! Had a moment of panic when I thought for a second I'd forgotten to bring an envelope, but it was in my other pocket. It wouldn't have had the same zing without the envelope. I got them special and everything, and I make sure to carry a few around with me at all times in case inspiration strikes. They're just the right shade of Baronial Cream.
> 
> Note to self for future reference: fish are small and slippery. This works better with mammals. It's been a while since I've done this. I think I'm out of practice.
> 
> Also, stole Willow's calculator. Let's see her do her homework _now!_ Ha! That'll show her.

 

**Thursday, 2/26/98**

 

>   
> 7:44 pm
> 
> Just woke up and decided to finish that drawing of Buffy I've been working on. I can't quite get her nose right, and it's bugging me. I think I'll leave this one in her bathroom. Maybe I'll tape it to the mirror so it's the first thing she sees when she comes in.
> 
> Oh, and I'm making this one of her _naked_. Yeah, that's right. I mean, it's only from the shoulders up, but you can totally tell she isn't wearing anything. That'll really freak her out.

 

**Sunday, 3/1/98**

 

>   
> 4:45 am
> 
> It's been one of those nights. Nothing to eat in the house, but too lazy to go hunting.
> 
> Staked a minion for speaking to me with an Irish accent. I thought he was mocking me. Turns out he was actually Irish. Oops.

 

**Tuesday, 3/3/98**

 

>   
> 10:24 pm
> 
> Had a fight with Buffy in the graveyard, but then her friends showed up with crosses. Whatever. I totally could have taken them all if I wanted to. I just didn't want to. The time isn't right yet. Besides, she was sick. It wouldn't have been worth it.
> 
> Got a new puppy for Dru on the way home. Oh yeah, I'm totally getting some tonight. Got a second one for Spike to eat. I think this one has fleas. Heh heh heh.

 

 

_Note: The manuscript breaks off here. The rest is too burned to decipher._


End file.
